Bigler Counseling

Does Domestic Violence Injure the Children? Part I When there is domestic violence you asked what happens when there is little consideration given to the emotional and psychological aftermath and the children. Because this damage can last for years and years and affects not only the adult who is the target of the violence but also the many family relationships.... Other children may in fact align with the perpetrator and participate in the violation of the affected parent. These children grow to become bullies in their own right whose behavior the violated parent cannot control and whose behavior is reinforced by the perpetrator. If the parental relationship ends, children may be subject to custody and access disputes locking them into an ongoing parental conflict. Some children will seek relief themselves from the perpetrator. However, the perpetrator may not believe or accept that their child is uncomfortable, scared, upset or angry with them. Promises of better behavior are met with scepticism. Children may align with the violated parent because of that parent’s distress. The child may be forever unforgiving to the perpetrator. Efforts by the perpetrator to reconcile with the child directly may therefore prove unsuccessful. The child may be influenced directly or indirectly by the affected parent or in his or her own right may reasonably be forever fearful and suspicious of the perpetrator. In more extreme cases, due to size differential and the relative maturity of the child, the child may harbour feelings and thoughts of the perpetrator as quite larger than life. Fears, real and/or imagined, may intrude the child’s conscious and unconscious mind causing them to hide or avoid detection by the perpetrator. Their behavior can become organized by these fears and affect all manner of relationships thereafter as well as school and then vocational participation and performance. The impact of domestic violence is not restricted to the violent act and physical harm caused. The impact of domestic violence thus reaches to immediate and extended family. As affected persons interact with the world, they too carry the aftermath with them and through their interactions, into the rest of the world. The impact of domestic violence next shows itself through fractured and altered relationships and learned behaviours of the affected persons who in turn make their imprint on others. Needless to say, domestic violence is not a good thing. Nor is the impact isolated to the direct victim. Lew Bigler North Church 300 North Forest Road Williamsville, NY 14221 and Biglercounseling.com 4476 Main Street, Suite 204 Amherst (Snyder) New York 14226 716-634-0658

RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP Marital recovery includes many controversial recommendations. Becoming each other's favorite recreational companions doesn't sound too controversial at first. It’s when you try to implement a plan to achieve that objective that the controversy arises. You're probably with me when it comes to the goal -- to become each other's favorite recreational companions. ... You would agree that to do so would make massive love deposits in both of your lives. And it would be done almost effortlessly as you enjoy your recreational time together. The problem comes up in finding mutually enjoyable activities that can compete with the mutually exclusive activities that you have created over time. I recommend that you abandon these activities, at least until you have become each other's favorite recreational companions by finding mutually enjoyable substitutes. If your partner can’t enjoy hunting, you may go a season without participating in your favorite recreational activity while trying to discover those mutually enjoyable activities. And you will probably feel somewhat resentful during that time. But when you finally discover them, your resentment will end, and you will have set your marriage on a track that will sustain your love for each other. Your partner may join in hunting activity in the sense that their whole family goes together with the hunter to a location that all can enjoy their own activity. But even more important, that special person is his favorite recreational companion, since whenever he's doing something that requires a recreational companion, she's with him, and she's his favorite. As you learn to become each other's favorite recreational companions, you will make many discoveries about what you like and don't like recreationally. Eventually, you will find several activities that are so mutually enjoyable that they will make you just as happy as hunting does. When that happens, you may hunt every fall without fear of it ruining your marriage if you come to an enthusiastic agreement. But be careful never to let it compete with the activities that you enjoy together. In other words, when you find something you enjoy more than what you do when you are together, abandon it until your time together rises above that level of enjoyment. I give you that warning because the contrast effect -- whatever you enjoy most will make less enjoyable activities seem boring in contrast -- will ruin your time together. Any activity apart from your partner that is more enjoyable than the activities you share with your partner will threaten your marriage. But then, if what you do together is more enjoyable than anything you could do apart, why would you want to waste your time being apart?

THE STATES OF MARRIAGE When we are happy and in love we are usually in the state of intimacy. The mind is controlled by the GIVER and to do whatever you can to make your partner happy and avoid anything that makes your partner unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It may be good for your partner but can be disastrous for you because you are not negotiating with your own interests in mind. As long as we are happy, our TAKER has nothing to do, but when we start feeling unhap...Continue reading

FAMILY RIGHTS OF CHILDREN: The Right to be said no to at least 3x a day. -------Some Frustration is Necessary! #1-When the infant cries, the infant is fed. The result is almost immediate gratification. However, when the child is a preschooler and tells us he or she is hungry, we may ask the child to wait until supper, or offer a small snack to tide them over. Hence gratification is delayed or only partially appeased. Thus children learn they can wait to achieve desired goal...Continue reading

FAMILY Bless the Coach Be it t-ball, baseball, soccer or hockey, most little league coaches are there for the love of children. For some it’s even more personal. Their kid is on the team. The value of participation by children in little league sports is manifold. Children get to learn the game, develop physical skills, social skills, sportsmanship and most of all have fun. ... The attitude with which children enter little league sports is generally a reflection of their parent(s). So while most children enter sports with the above values in mind, some are given the impression by their parent(s) that winning is most valued over anything else in the experience. These children lose focus of the other values, instead learning to base the value of their experience on winning alone. With the focus on winning, all other values take a second seat. Hence sportsmanship goes out the window as does social skill development, not to mention fun. The only experience of value becomes skill development because that can facilitate winning. For these children the love of play may be lost and their participation can become a job, often to fulfill parental wishes for a winner. Even anti-social skills may be reinforced if the behavior fulfills the pursuit of wining. Hence these kids are at risk of not learning sportsmanship behavior. For some, sportsmanship behavior is reinforced by parents who reward goals and winning over participation and fun. Pity the coaches who may feel caught in the middle between parents pressuring for the win versus children seeking fun. Parental intrusions and demands upon their child can set up a tension not only for the child but also for the coach whose attention is now divided, needing to manage the parent(s). In the worst of cases, conflict erupts between parents whose focus is on winning versus coaches who focus is on participation and fun. In some cases the conflict turns ugly and in all circumstances this occurs in view of the children. As a result, there is no sportsmanship behavior being show nor any role modeled by the parent to all children witness to the event. Fun and participation is spoiled for all. Children have enough on their plate attending to the demands of the game while trying to have fun. So it is also true for the coaches. Coaches only concern should be the children and facilitating the joy of the game. As unpaid volunteers, giving up their time for other’s children, they should be left to serve the children, not parental wishes for winners. The pursuit is participation and fun. When those goals are achieved the initiative for skill development and mastery of the game comes naturally to kids who want it. If you really want your child to succeed at little league sports, sit back and enjoy the game. Let the coaches manage all else and be grateful they stepped up to the plate on behalf of your child. Their kids are likely there too.

FAMILY RIGHTS OF CHILDREN: #1 The Right to be said no to at 3 x a day. Some Frustration is Necessary! When the infant cries, the infant is fed. The result is almost immediate gratification. However, when the child is a preschooler and tells us he or she is hungry, we may ask the child to wait until supper, or offer a small snack to tide them over. Hence gratification is delayed or only partially appeased. Thus children learn they can wait to achieve desired goals and lear...Continue reading

FAMILY Parenting: How Important is Consistency Really? Separated parents may take issue with each other if there are any differences in parenting style, expectations or structure....Continue reading

DIVORCE Parallel Parenting A form of joint custody For when parents don’t agree on how, but neither is bad. At about 2 years of age children don’t yet know how to share, but may enjoy each other’s company. They happily play beside each other, each with their own toy. By about 3 years of age, children are learning to share and can then play with each other as in the case of rolling a ball back and forth. Developmentally, children thus move from parallel play to cooperat...Continue reading

Parenting Plans From a Kid’s Eye View Parents have been telling the kids to get along, play nicely, share and not talk bad of others, their entire lives. Then the parents announce their separation and the conflict, hostility and upset between them, perhaps previously hidden from the kids, is now in the open. Their tension spills throughout the house. For the children of separating parents their first wish is for their parents to get back together. If that is not possible, the...Continue reading

Annoying Behavior Annoying behaviors are habits and activities that may make you happy, but drive your partner nuts. Marriage is a partnership of incredibly close quarters, where just about anything you or your partner does is almost certain to affect the other. If you want to stay in love with each other, your habits and activities should make deposits of love, not love withdrawals. Annoying behavior may not seem like much when annoying is in its early stages, but there ar...e many examples of it growing into ugly monsters. They are among the most serious of problem and learning how to come to joint agreement that both are enthusiastic about is the solution. Dishonesty Dishonesty causes massive love withdrawals whenever it's discovered. And partners usually discover each other's dishonesty because of their emotional closeness to each other. If you or your partner has a tendency to lie or distort the truth, you have little hope of maintaining your love for each other. But dishonesty does more than ruin your love for each other -- it also prevents you from finding solutions to your problems. After all, how can you and your partner solve a problem if your cards are not on the table. I insist that partners be completely honest with each other, Honesty and Openness Honesty is essential in solving marital problems and meets a very important emotional need, and helps avoid one of the most destructive things we can do to each other. Independent Behavior One of the secret things that creep up on partners is that they get busy with their own career or other aspects of their lives and get into the habit of doing things on their own. Their partner is kept out of their behaviors because they know their partner will not want to do what they want to do. Therefore they develop a pattern of doing their own thing on their own and stop inviting the partner. Lewis R. Bigler, M. Div., MA, AAPC Diplomate Family/Couple/Individual Counselor/Mediator Licensed Mental Health Counselor 4476 Main Street, Suite 204 Snyder Square Amherst, New York 14226 716-634-0658 www.Biglercounseling.com

Abuse, Anger and Domestic Violence Can you negotiate with an angry or violent partner? Impossible! Anger prevents any hope for negotiated agreements -- it prevents a husband and wife from loving each other. Abusive behavior usually begins when a couple tries to resolve a conflict the wrong way. Instead of finding a solution that meets the conditions of a negotiated joint agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner), an effort... is made by one partner to force a solution on the other. Resistance to the proposal is matched by increasing force until the partner browbeats the other into submission. Every fight is an example of abuse because it uses the tactic of emotional or physical force to resolve a conflict instead of respect and thoughtfulness. One example is an abused wife who has not yet decided to separate from her husband to protect herself from his abuse. Another example is a husband whose wife has escaped to a shelter to avoid his abuse. He wants to know how to win her back. A third example is a wife who has run her husband out of the house with her abusive behavior. She wants to know how to get him to return to her. Still a fourth example is a man who thinks my definition of abuse is too broad. There is a no difference between abuse as an act of violence and abuse as a process. A fifth example is about abuse and alcohol -- a dangerous and sometimes deadly mixture. One more example is represented by the common questions, "Why do people who love each other fight so much Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your partner because of any of these examples of abuse are used -- in fact, you probably do the opposite of what your partner wants if he or she is demanding, disrespectful, or angry. When you do what your partner needs and wants, you do it out of care and consideration. But if your partner is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your partner. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

I don’t love him/her anymore. Whenever you are inconsiderate of each other's feelings you destroy the love that you have for each other. The most common ways that you are likely to hurt each other with your thoughtlessness fall into six categories: 1. Selfish Demands, 2. Disrespectful Judgments, ... 3. Angry Outbursts, 4. Annoying Habits 5. Dishonesty 6. Independent Behavior The first three of these problems are instinctive, yet thoughtless, ways to try to get what you want from each other. When a request doesn't work, a partner will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"). If that doesn't get the job done, a partner will try disrespectful judgments ("If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"). And then, when all of that fails, an angry outburst often represents the last ditch effort ("I'll see to it that you regret not having done it"). These three thoughtless acts fail to get what you need in your marriage -- and when you use them, you destroy the love your partner has for you. All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your partner to be unhappy, and that causes massive withdrawals of gifts of love to your partner. Demands and Control Partners who use demands and control to try to get their way not only fail, but also create defenses that make further negotiations almost impossible. They also cause partners to fall out of love with each other. We will need to work on a solution of this pattern. Resentment over Issues of Control, Dependency and Identity, also stresses the importance of avoiding demands as a way to solve problems. Disrespect Disrespect is another way we damage our love for each other and it also prevents successful negotiation. For instance, if your partner believes something different than you, can you, or should you, try to change those beliefs?