Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy

Every day for #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth I will be posting a quote from one of my favorite MH accounts (or one of yours!! thanks for the recs). Today I bring you @curly_therapist. Later today I will post a follow up to this post that will offer you some prompts to dive a bit deeper into strengthening your mental health. Please tag a friend below. Invite them into these 31 days of mental health exploration together and let’s take on the #mindfulmftchallenge. Caption: What’s ...good for your mental health might not always feel good for you at first AND it might not feel good for them. Hard stuff, friends. Especially when we’re used to pleasing and caretaking others, being liked, or keeping the peace. To set a boundary that requires us to not please, not caretake others, be seen as the villain, or create some type of rupture in the dynamic can be entirely destabilizing. That why we often shy away from the boundary. The pain, loss, discomfort, and grief can feel entirely too much. Take that in for a moment. If and why you choose to take that step it’s important to acknowledge how destabilizing it might feel as you extract yourself from a role you’ve held and maintained within that system. Might you consider what could show up there? What thoughts? What stories? What might they say to you to try to hook you back in? Can you anticipate that? What will it feel like to be seen as the bad guy? What will it feel like to hear that you’re letting someone down? What might come up if their unprocessed stuff spills onto you? Oooof. Big stuff, indeed. This is not an overnight process. This takes your consideration and the courage to face the discomfort that will likely surface as your step towards honoring your yeses and your noes. See you later for the follow up post and prompts. Don’t forge to tag someone below who could use this! x #mindfulmft See more

This #mentalhealthawarnessmonth you’ll get prompts from me following the quote of the day. If you didn’t see today’s earlier post please go check it out for some more context! I share a mental health account each day. Please like, share, and comment below as we continue supporting our mental health. And I’d so appreciate it if you share @mindfulmft with anyone you think it would support. Let’s do this, friends. #mindfulmft Well these gaslighting posts seem to be eliciting s...ome major OOOFS for me today. Read that again. Gaslighting is a tactic used to help distract away from shame. Whew. The gaslighter may or may not be aware of this, but if you’ve been (or ever will be) on the receiving end it might be important to recognize. Bringing this forward to them is not important or encouraged, but remembering this in any moment where you’re face to face with the manipulation can give you some context and some breathing room for yourself. A lot of people will go to great lengths to avoid and ignore shame, so trying to have them face their shame is not YOUR work. Your work is to protect yourself, and sometimes when we understand something a bit better it creates more space so we don’t engage. If I can recognize that this is about you struggling to face your shame and NOT about me losing my sanity I can begin to disengage from battling you, trying to defend, prove something, explain something, and beyond. This is layered and nuanced. It has deep complexity to it so there is no way to simplify this into a post. Please take that in. That said, we can get curious about it and tune in. YOUR PROMPTS My experience with gaslighting is... The person who is most manipulative in my life is.. When I engage I feel... I engage because... What I hope will happen is... If I don’t engage I worry... The story I tell myself is... Setting a boundary here is hard because... One thing I’m willing to try is... What that requires of me is...

Oooof it is. It doesn’t matter why they can’t or won’t, what matters is that they do not. And even if your expectations, wishes, wants, and desires are absolutely reasonable, if you get caught in trying to explain that, prove it, or convince them of it might you begin to tune into the impact it has on you? Do you have the data points you need? Are you collecting more? What is it that you are prolonging? What do you not want to accept? Are you resistant to grieving something ...that needs to be released? This is a deeply tender space that can carry and hold so much emotion. Be gentle here, friends. The knowing is different than what the pain still holds. The knowing is different than our hurt. The knowing is different than the grieving. So again, be gentle here. And...still look. Still explore. Still tune in. Do not let the resistance of others, the lack of change that presents in others, keep you from your own. #mindfulmft _____ Upcoming Group: 1/25: Reclaiming Authenticity. Intimate group setting led by Talia Gutin. For all details and application- link in bio. See more

Take it in. Take it in. What is required out of you in order to show up for others? Who do you need to be? How do you need to bend? What do you need to excuse? So many of us are pleasers. So many of us work tirelessly at avoiding any kind of conflict, disagreement, or hassle that it requires us to not properly show up for ourselves. Can you identify what this looks like in your life? With whom do you sacrifice showing up for yourself? Do you do it in partnership? Do you do... it in friendship? What about with a parent? Take a moment and see where it resonates. Your work isn’t to adjust to everyone around you. Your work isn’t to become a shapeshifter who has to leave themselves in order to connect to another. Your work isn’t to find every explanation under the sun as to excuse others not showing up for you. Any relationship that requires you to NOT show up for yourself in order to show up for them is not actually in harmony for you. Spend some time here. Let’s look at our origin stories. What were you taught in this space? What did you observe in your family system? What messages did you receive around being liked, easy, or pleasant to be around? Would love to hear any of your thoughts below. #mindfulmft ____ Upcoming Group Offerings beginning towards the end of January. Link in bio for details. See more

Do you know the difference? Can you feel it? The collapsing in on oneself? The trading of one’s authenticity to receive love, attention, or validation? Do you notice when you give away a part of yourself like changing your beliefs or boundaries, just to be with a person? What about change that asks and requires you to look at your programming and conditioning, deep dive, rattle around in there and see where there might be growth and transformation for you. Maybe someone ...comes into your life and inspires you to look at parts of yourself you normally hide. Maybe an experience changes you to your core and brings out a new sense of compassion. Maybe someone inspires you so much that it cracks through your defensiveness or resistance. Not all change is created equal, friends. There is change that pressures us to abandon ourselves and then there is change that inspires us to awaken and lean into the beautiful revisions we get to earn. What type of change are you allowing and rejecting? #mindfulmft ___ Two New Year Offerings: Group 1: Reclaiming Authenticity led by @mindfulmft ‘s, Talia Gutin! Group 2: Making Meaning Through Uncertainty, Loss, and Life Transitions led by @mindfulmft ‘s, Hillary Geffner. Link in bio for details and applications. Both groups start in a few weeks. See more

And...it is so easy to do. So gentleness with the self as you lean in and explore. Your inner child needs to trust you as the adult. As the adult who can finally watch over you and protect you, lead you, guide you, and love you. When you tell your inner self that you’re going to do something and then don’t do it, there’s going to be a war inside. Don’t test that little munchkin in there. They’ll let a roar out and create some chaos that screams stop messing with me! Take c...are of your inner self by giving it what it needs. By seeing them and hearing them and honoring them. What gets in the way of following through on your word to yourself? What blocks you from sticking to your goals and pathway towards healing? Spend some time in that space and see what comes forward for you. It’s hard to heal if your internal system knows you’re not going to follow through. Instead of a full on commitment, try some gentler language that’s a bit more workable as you chat it up with yourself: Hey (inner) you, I know you need me right now. I see you and I hear what you’re craving. I’m going to try really hard to protect you in this moment, but sometimes I get scared too and misstep. Hang in there with me as I figure this one out, okay?! You dig?! What’s your inner child need to hear from you? As a start point, make one promise to yourself every day that you know you can keep. Start building up that internal sense of trust with yourself. If you happen to not keep the promise make sure you acknowledge it to yourself. Gently. Lovingly. But start somewhere. Start small. #mindfulmft See more

You don’t need today or tomorrow to reflect on what was or to declare what will be. That is available to you every single day. Please remember that. Yes, historically we take a look into our year (which is still a beautiful practice you *can* do) and set goals, name resolutions, and put into the universe our commitments. If that feels aligned, beautiful. Just a reminder that today is just another day to stay on your path, to continue your work of integration, and to live in both grace and accountability for yourself and others. What’s on your mind today? #mindfulmft #nye #nye2020

We all want to trust and believe that we can share ourselves...all of ourselves...and know that our partner (or really anyone) won't run away/shut down/criticize/look down on/or defend against. When we don't trust that, we tend to abandon the parts of ourselves we think will activate any of those responses. So we internalize or hush ourselves. We convince ourselves out of honoring our voice. We tell ourselves that only happy/positive emotion and experiences should be share...d. We support a belief that people won't always be there for us, or that we have to have our own back because no else will ever have it. We stop trusting in the security we are all seeking. Let’s journey back a bit. Could you trust that your caretakers would be there for you no matter what? Or did you learn that they only tended to you sometimes? Maybe they were entirely absent and negligent? Or maybe they were only available if what you presented was pleasing to them? Look at your origin stories and explore whether your full experience and range of emotions had space to be revealed and acknowledged in a safe way. Might you begin to explore if any of that has come along with you into your adult relationships? Might you look at the dynamics in your life now and register whether there is enough safety and security to be fully revealed? That shared space is so special. The space between you and me that holds the capacity for the type of safety required for healing, growth, or transformation. We are capable of making shifts and changes in this space. It requires a tremendous amount of awareness, courage, and discernment. Those three things are necessary for us to determine when we can lean in and begin to shift something that wasn’t previously available to us. #mindfulmft See more

Do you have a tendency to ask others what they would do in this situation? What they think about it? What they’d choose? Gosh, it’s so normal to get curious and obtain data from others, especially those you respect and admire, and then try to use it for your own decision making. Now, what they think/choose/decide etc may absolutely not lead you to something deeply misaligned for you. Important to hear that. But what it does is take you away from your own practice and proces...s of connecting with, and being in relationship with, your own inner knowing. How do we cultivate a relationship with our inner knowing? Well, it might be good of us to explore what blocks it first. What has moved us away from our intuition? What has moved us away from trusting ourselves with ourselves? Might you explore any experiences or messages you may have received around this growing up? Who in your family system demonstrated deep inner knowing with themselves? Who demonstrated a lack of one? What messages did you receive around trusting yourself or not? Let’s tune in here first as beginning point. I’d love to hear your thoughts below on this. #mindfulmft See more

We don’t always have the opportunity to make things right with others. We don’t always get a chance to have that conversation, ask for forgiveness, or repair relationships. We don’t always get a chance to hear another say I forgive you or it’s okay, I understand. But just because we don’t always have that opportunity with another doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do the work for ourselves. Our systems deserve peace. We are allowed to work through our guilt and shame. We a...re allowed to move ourselves from our shadow into the light. We are allowed to be kind to ourselves and like ourselves even if we don’t like some of the things we’ve done. I know that hurting others is painful; I know that betraying others can make you feel undeserving, but if you want to experience peace with yourself you’ll need to look at and label what you’ve done. Ownership and accountability are a must. Label and name the things you have done and move them out. It’s not an easy process, but there is relief through it. There are professionals who can walk that road with you. Just know that relief does not lie in the hands of another, it lies in the powerful work that you decide to do to move shame out. Make things right with you. Others may catch a glimpse, but you’ll always be the one who has to live with you. #mindfulmft See more

It is absolutely our work to be kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and direct with our approach. We ought to think about the ways in which we are saying things and how we use language. We ought to look at why something is coming up for us and flush out the control or manipulation that might be attached to it. But, what we can consider moving away from is staying in a role in which we take on the managing of someone else’s emotional experience and regulation. Now why is t...hat hard? Because a lot of people have a hard time emotionally regulating. If you’re used to someone responding with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or any sort of emotional chaos, then our programming gets set to try to protect ourselves through changing the way WE show up. Other people’s inability to emotionally regulate can often get in the way of us honoring and keeping our own boundaries, and sharing what we need to share. And when we absorb that, we play into not emotionally regulating ourselves through honesty, transparency, and the such. It’s tricky and can catch us up in a cycle of dysfunction. So what to do? Notice the ways in which you emotionally protected growing up. Observe how the main players (family system) would emotionally regulate (or not). How did they? What did they do? And how did you mold in order to try to help regulate? Consider how you do that present day. There are some people who can’t take feedback. Giving it to them could put you at risk. I want to acknowledge that. Safety first, always. Making these shifts can truly only happen in a safe system. But we need to start moving ourselves to emotional regulation. Inviting others to do the same. We want to trust that we can regulate the self and that the other person can also regulate themselves. I know that’s some heavy lifting, but that’s the goals. So today, this week, I ask you to look at your own emotional regulation. Can others come to you and trust you? Is anyone having to emotionally regulate for you? You for them? #mindfulmft See more

I ran two workshops yesterday and in the first one with my husband @mantalks, I talked about our conflict origins and how those styles might come with us into our adult lives. Someone on the call asked about what we do if one person is ready to move on from the conflict but the other person still feels like there’s more to resolve. It was a great question that has many answers to it, but what angle I decided to take was whether there’s more to resolve is actually an attempt... at staying in conflict because staying there serves something. I offered a couple of possibilities: 1. I stay in conflict because if I’m mad or upset with you I gain some type of control/power in the dynamic. This leads to a one up position where you owe me. 2. I stay in conflict because if I do I get attention from you and you stay attuned to me. If I move out of it I lose that from you. There could be endless possibilities here. Something for us to tune into and explore for ourselves. As you know me to do, I’d encourage us all to look at this through the lens of our family systems. Did staying in conflict serve anything? Did rejection repair and resolution serve anything? Did we gain anything in this space? Did we watch others do this? What did they gain. Okay friends, some light exploration on a Tuesday night. As we do...as we do ;). #mindfulmft See more

We’re so good at outsourcing. Ever said anything like When/If ‘X’ happens then I’ll do ‘Y’. Ever look around for something to happen outside of you to give you permission to do the thing...whatever the thing is? This isn’t a post against signs ;), it’s a reminder that sometimes all we need is the awareness that we’re looking for one to be enough to make the change we’re waiting to make. If you’re looking for a sign might you tune in and get curious about what information is held in the act of looking? Might you explore what it is you’re seeking outside of yourself and get curious about what’s happening within you that might want your attention AND might also hold some direction? #mindfulmft

Ugh, I know. But it’s true and important for us to feel into this and learn how to discern it. I love you and I miss you can absolutely mean I choose you...it just doesn’t always. And for those of us who have ever (or are currently) getting some lip service about love and missing without that lip service being followed up with action, choice, behavior, and the integration of all of that...you’d better listen up. When we want a particular outcome to happen, we tend to make w...ords fit into the story line we’re hoping for. I’ve been there so many times before, so I know this space well. We search for any evidence or data points that will support our desired outcome. Hands up if you’ve been there before (but seriously, put your hand up in the comment section ;). We’d rather create meaning then sit in the truth of what’s showing up (or not). Often times because what’s true is often times intolerable for us. If I accepted what was true, what would happen next is... If I acknowledged what’s actually happening I’d.... The discomfort is often what keeps us attached to some other story line. Let’s dive into this a bit more in my newsletter tomorrow. If you’re not signed up, the link in my bio has it! Or, eepurl.com/br0HRH . Happy Sunday, friends. #mindfulmft See more

This has been coming up a lot in conversation as of late, especially within the context of friendship/meeting new people. It’s also historically something that’s come up a lot in dating world conversations. See where it lands for you and where it feels resonant. Many of us perform in relationships. We’re programmed and conditioned to achieve an outcome: be liked, be wanted, be chosen, be validated, etc. In this conditioning we lose our touch points with ourselves: how am I f...eeling in this dynamic? Am I interested in this person? Do I want to invest time in getting to know this person? Too often we focus on performance and not about tuning into our own experience. Today is a reminder to do just that. Our work is to reconnect to our touch points. How am I feeling? What happens when I’m around you? Am I choosing this dynamic because I want to or because I need to perform for an outcome? Get honest in this space. Spend some time here. Consider the relationships in your life, the dynamics you keep and maintain and begin to explore what drives them. Gentleness only this exploration as you bring forward more awareness. Happy Friday. #mindfulmft See more

Others may see you as the issue. They may misunderstand you. They may even be committed to it. They may see you as the villain in *their* story. You see, the decisions we make, boundaries we set, and actions we take CAN set off a chain reaction. Of course our work is to make sure we are aware of why we’re doing what we’re doing. This is not about reckless decision making. It’s not about not caring about how things impact others. This is about integrated decisions, boundarie...s, and actions. How others interpret and experience your healthy boundaries and your why may be confronting to them. Something that may honor you may be felt as an abandonment to them. Something that might be clear to you may be seen as a betrayal to another. Something that makes sense to your story may be judged by another. So when you’ve checked in with yourself to make sure that you aren’t indeed doing unhealthy and dysfunctional things, you must then begin to create space for getting comfortable in being misunderstood. Your growth can confront another’s wounding. And for someone else who is unwilling to check in with themselves, it may mean that their commitment is to misunderstanding, judging, or villainizing you to protect them from leaning into *their* work. #mindfulmft See more

Comin in hot with the question of the day. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good plan. Plans have value and can serve something important for us. AND...what’s it like to tune into our actual experience and allow it to inform us. Maybe the plan was to stay single for years but you meet someone and fall in love. Are you more committed to the plan or can you make room for the experience? Maybe the plan was to stay in a certain city for a few more years and live out the vision ...you have for yourself but you spend some quality time in nature and begin to realize that it’s more aligned for you. Are you more committed to the plan or can you make room for the experience? What’s important here? Probably at the top of the list is our ability to trust ourselves. Can I trust the experience I’m having? Do I know how to be with my own inner wisdom? Is my plan there for a valuable reason that I need to honor and hold? There is no right answer here necessarily. It’s an opportunity to explore and to learn how to discern with ourselves. Do I cling to one or the other? Do I have a tendency to close off to my experience, and why? Do I have a tendency to stay rigid with my plan, and why? Tune in here and get curious, friends. #mindfulmft See more

I can’t tell you how many times people have asked whether playing games while dating is something we just have to do. Friends, playing games can only be played if another is participating. Let me be clear here. You do NOT have to play games. In fact, I’d encourage you not to. Yes, you may not get the second date with the person who is, but go ahead and sit on that one for a sec and see how it feels. I don’t want to seem too available. ... I feel like I should wait a few days before responding. They need to be the one who texts last AND first. The list goes on, and most of us have been there before. Yep...yours truly as well. No shame here, friends. We’re all just trying to figure out the ropes. But here is what I’ve come to understand. Those ropes you’re trying to figure out...climb the ones that are actually aligned for you. There will always be people who play games. And games may work in certain situations if working has everything to do with outcomes and nothing to do with true alignment and integrity. If you’re willing, maybe begin to tune into what you fear will happen if you don’t play games? What do you believe will Happen if you don’t pretend you’ve lost your phone for 3 days ;)? What will happen if you show up and present in the way that you actually are? Where did you learn to play games? Where were you taught that? What messages did you receive? Do you know why you’ve accepted it? If playing games only works with those who also play them do you still want to play them? Just some thing to reflect on. Much love. #mindfulmft See more

Friends, denial is a beast. We can easily convince ourselves that if we don’t think about something or spend time with it then it won’t rule our lives in any way. I have not met one person where that’s the case. Important to note is that this is different than needing to take time with our healing, being deliberate with healing trauma, and tuning into your system to know what it is you can and are willing to face (and its timing in your life.) Please note that there is a diff...erence between that and the denial or avoidance I’m talking about here. What we deny still takes up space. In fact, the more we deny and resist the more ways it tries to grab for our attention. When we ignore, avoid, shrink it, and push it away, that which wants to be felt, experienced, owned, and seen can get kinda feisty and try to push itself out into our awareness so that we have to look and pay attention. Patterns, illness, pain, disconnection, and more will present. Our work is to look. It’s to become more familiar with ourselves and our experiences. It’s to become an observer and learn. It’s to feel what needs to be felt, acknowledge what needs to be acknowledged, and own what needs to be owned. No, we are not required to share it all with others. We can certainly pick and choose (*some people just aren’t safe enough for us to share with), but we *must* get safe enough with ourselves so that we can do this work with ourselves. What have you not been feeling? What have you not been saying? Owning? Taking responsibility for? What needs to be acknowledged? This is a gentle, deliberate practice. One where kindness and ownership intersect. Step by step. Day by day. Lean closer in to yourself. #mindfulmft See more

It can be confusing and confronting to consider grieving an idea of a relationship that never happened. Many of us have fantasies and dreams about the type of relationship we could have had with a parent. Maybe it was something that was a yearning. Maybe it was something that got enhanced as you saw your friends interact with their parents, or parents show up for their child in a way you wished yours would. Maybe it’s the adult relationships you hear about when friends talk ...about a trip they take with their parent, the words of wisdom that were imparted during a tough time, or the gracious help they offer as a grandparent. Maybe you wonder if your parent will ever pick up the phone and apologize. Maybe you convince yourself that if you just try [it] from this angle you’ll get through to them. Maybe if you’re direct and ask them to show up in a certain way they’ll do it. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. There are countless examples. There are countless possibilities we create in our minds. Maybe if I just ___________. Maybe if I had just ___________. Maybe if mom wasn’t so __________. Maybe if they __________. What if I just ____________. I don’t know your story. But I know someone needs to read this and feel into it. Some people had great relationships with their parents. Some had it with one. Some had it with none. Some tried with all 4 but never succeeded. Some had none. Some got moved from foster home to foster home. Some got lost in the system. Whatever the story, I ask you to consider whether you’ve ever needed to grieve the idea or fantasy of what you never got. Does it still take up space? How do you keep trying? Is there something you need to let go of? A boundary you need to set with yourself? How does fantasizing keep you stuck? How might grieving release you? Sending so much love as you journey through these questions. #mindfulmft See more

Not just a weekend vibe. Who struggles with this? Who struggles with rest? Who struggles to allow the self to just be without the critic showing up with something to say? What wisdom have you find in the quiet? In the peace? In the not doing? I’d love to hear your experience and relationship with rest and how you create space and allow. Share with me below. #mindfulmft

Isn’t it interesting how a goodbye, if we’re willing, will have us meet a part (or many) of ourselves? Sometimes we’ve needed to meet these parts, other times we’ve had no idea, and from time to time it’s parts of the self that truly feel too overwhelming to meet. Take special care here. For the purpose of this post, let’s talk about chosen relationship endings (meaning not death). This work is rarely a walk in the park, fun, or a light journey or path. It’s often deeply co...nfronting and gut wrenching. Depending on the goodbye, a wide range of emotion might come up here. Tune into that. Goodbyes are introductions. In the same way that transition opens us up to both grief and expansion. We may not want the introduction, but when the goodbye happens, it cracks something open anyway. When people leave our lives (or we leave theirs), we're often faced with emotion that calls attention to parts of ourselves that have an opportunity to grow. We feel new feelings. We're faced with new challenges. Sometimes we're met with the same thoughts as we had the last time we experienced a goodbye. Whatever the case may be, that emotion is calling attention to our story, to our pain, to our wounds, to our expansion. Can you make space for the introduction? What are you afraid of meeting? What might happen in this space? If it feels okay, spend some time here. #mindfulmft See more