New York Lawyer

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers can not and do not lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 ch...ildren. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, How many children do you have ? He answered, 12 children. The agent asked, Where are the others ? The lawyer answered, with a sad look, They are in the cemetery with their mother. See more

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,... and jumped out. The lawyer then said, I’m the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live! He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also. The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace. The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said Not to worry, Preacher. ‘The smartest man in the world’ just jumped out with my backpack. See more

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave 50 cents to a homeless person on the street for a cup of coffee. Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. The La...wyer said, Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a dollar for a cup of coffee. Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? They both took his record to "The Boss" who gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to them, Just give him back his buck and tell him to go to Hell. See more

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!! How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place....Continue reading

Guy walks into a bar and yells, All lawyers are assholes. The man at the end of the bar says I object to that remark. The guy responds: Why, are you a lawyer? No, I’m an asshole, says the man.