PearlandTopaz

It’s not Thanksgiving but I’ve been feeling very sick and apparently I forgot to post this but I don’t think it’s ever too late so I’m going to post it now in remembrance of Celia and all the babies gone too soon. . . . I’m thankful for my daughter every single day!... . . . I recently spoke to a woman who was sitting next to me at dinner who had also had a stillbirth. And it was even more amazing that she didn’t call it a stillbirth even though her daughter was dead at the time of delivery. I absolutely hate the word stillbirth and usually tell people that my daughter died during birth, which is true, and then if they ask, I’ll explain how. . . . I’ve been very depressed and negative lately. She told me that I need to remember the time that I spent with my daughter and treasure that. . . . I told her that I didn’t spend with my daughter. But about two seconds later both of us exclaimed, YES when you were pregnant!! I could feel her moving her kicking her hiccups. All extremely special! . . . . Later I remember another time that I spent with my daughter. In the hospital holding her. Even though she was not alive, that was a very special bonding time. It was also a difficult time but it was a time that I will never forget. See more

Capture Your Grief Day 3, Twilight of Memory: I feel the words in this image so powerfully. I remember being angry (and actually still very annoyed) by the fact that basically to please society and not accidentally offend anyone, I have had to refer to Celia as being gone or lost. The truth is that she is dead, she died, she died inside of me, no sound came from her mouth as I birthed her. And yes, I fucking pushed a whole, fullterm-sized dead baby out of me! She didn’t j...ust evaporate out. And I honestly want people to picture this and imagine what it would feel like. Try to be empathetic, although I don’t think you’ll succeed since the only people who truly know this feeling are other women who have birthed dead babies. And that is just the reality... . . She also did not disappear as those friends and family of mine tried to remove all trace of her while I was at the hospital. As if anything would lessen my grief of not being able to take her home. It actually hurt more. And while I can see the point of view of those who feel that having pictures, mementos, treasures of her around my apartment (I do have quite a few) cause me to think of her more, remember and thus become more depressed. It would be more depressing to not have her around me. And grief is a process that one goes through individually. Celia is mine, my baby, my daughter. She existed and always will. . . #captureyourgrief #angelbaby #whathealsyou #babydeath #stillbirth #miscarriage #grief #death #birth #mybaby #october15thwaveoflight #Pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #stillamother #invisiblemother #healing #memoriesofmybabies #griefmemories See more

Capture Your Grief Day 2, Child of Mine: My daughter Celia was stillborn June 7, 2016. She was 7lbs and 21. I went into labor at 38 weeks on a Friday and was able to hear her heartbeat. I chose to labor at home until my water broke on Tuesday. When I went to see my midwife I learned that Celia’s heartbeat was gone. My blood pressure had skyrocketed and she died sometime while I was in labor, probably due to placental abruption. . . She had a full head of dark, almost black ...hair which was covered by a knit cap since her body had already begun to deteriorate. Sadly, I never saw the color of her eyes, I guess they were dark brown. Her skin was slightly darker and redder than mine, as you can see in the photo of us. I want her to look like me so badly, but my eyes and mind just don’t see it. . . I chose her name, which does sound old fashioned because I wanted her to be special. A name that wouldn’t be heard often, but wasn’t unheard of either, and the pronunciation of which just flows so beautifully across your lips... In Latin Celia means Heaven, she is my heaven. Her nickname would be C.C. (her initials) or Cece, which sounds to me like a child who would be full of laughter, smiles, curiosity, and love wearing girly dresses and bows in her hair. When butterflies are near I see her, and when I see the color purple, I picture Celia. Purple of course would be her favorite color, she would love cats and the beach. I believe she would have inherited my creativity, intelligence, and independence. . . In addition to Celia, I had a miscarriage at 6.5 weeks in November 2016. I named the baby Topaz after the birthstone since I hadn’t known this one long enough to choose a fitting name. Sometimes I call them PearlandTopaz, after their birthstones. Although my miscarriage was sad, it was not nearly as heart shattering or traumatic as Celia’s death. . . I’ve included one of Celia’s sonograms and my favorite picture of myself pregnant, 35 weeks with a huge smile, just having moved into OUR apartment. . . #captureyourgrief #angelbaby #whathealsyou #babydeath #stillbirth #miscarriage #grief #Pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #invisiblemother #healing #childofmine #mybaby @ Brooklyn, New York See more

Capture Your Grief Day 1, Sunrise Ritual: I didn’t catch the sunrise until Oct 2nd. My photo from last year was a lot nicer than this one too. This year I was basically limited to taking a picture at the end of my block. I couldn’t even take it from the subway platform since I can’t get up there. I thought about how much my life has changed since Celia died. Instead of dedicating the time to her, I was selfish and thinking of myself. About why my life just seems to get worse ...and worse and I’m forced to endure more traumas. Shortly after Celia’s birthday I was admitted to the hospital for a month due to paralysis, unable to walk, from Guillian Barré Syndrome. I still can’t walk without a walker and leg braces. But at least I can be grateful that I was able to celebrate her birthday in my usual way, at the beach. . . After reflection while writing this, I’ve decided that Celia wouldn’t want me to be living like this. She would want me to be doing more than sitting on the couch for 8 hours watching Netflix. She’d want me to start pushing myself to do the things I used to enjoy before GBS. I am going to try to help others more, in her memory. And I am going to try to focus on how this illness has impacted me in positive ways. Growing stronger in many ways, learning new things, and finding true friends in my life. . . #captureyourgrief #sunrise #guillianbarresyndrome #gbs #strength #emotionalstrength #growth #truefriends #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #stillbirth #breakthesilence #iam1in4 #angelbaby #stillamother #neverforgotten See more

Beautiful day for a walk! #grateful #thisiswhatrecoverylookslike #GNYRNAC2019 #HOPE #spring #thatcolortho

26. Beauty: This is a plant, a weed, growing in between the concrete walkway and the side of my house. It grabbed my attention because I noticed the pink and other changing colors on the leaves and I snapped a picture. I know this is just a weed, but the colors it is transforming into are beautiful and it made me think of my daughter in more than one way. While I was pregnant, I felt the transformation of my body while my daughter was growing inside of me. This was the first... time I was ever pregnant so it was all new and different to me. At first it was uncomfortable but I grew to enjoy it. I would play classical music on my phone and put it on my belly for my daughter to hear. I read that that was good for development. I didn’t have any money to buy new things for her so I scoured the internet and picked up so much free and low priced things, my entire apartment was full. I put some decorations and photographs in my room because we would be sleeping together. When my water broke I went to the hospital, ready to bring my daughter home. But obviously that wasn’t to be the case. I like to think that my daughter was strong like me. That when things started to go wrong, she fought. She loved me, knew that I loved her, and wanted to be here with me. As my blood pressure rose without my knowledge there was a tear in my placenta. Her oxygen was slowly dwindling, but she didn’t give up. She tried to make it with me to the hospital as I was having contractions in the back of a cab. I believe she could have made and almost did. Because if that wasn’t true, that means that I didn’t do all I could for her, my only child. I trusted doctors and other experts to take care of me. And in my heart, I know I did the best I could with all the knowledge and resources I had. I think of Celia every single day. And I don’t think I will ever stop. And the most beautiful site I have ever seen is when I was allowed to hold her and look at her face with tears streaming down my cheeks. #captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2018 #captureyourgriefNYC #whathealsyou #babyloss #infantloss #childloss #stillbirth #miscarriage #grief #beauty #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #healing

6. Healing: I was recently told: It has been over 2 years, when are you going to stop obsessing over it? My reply was that I would probably never stop thinking about it. Would you ever tell a parent of a living child who thought about and spoke about that child daily, to stop obsessing? I honestly do not see what the difference is. Celia will always be my daughter and I will think about her every single day for the rest of my life. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I wou...ld be able to stop. My life has been forever changed by her. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not healing. When did someone come up with a time limit for grief? Grief and healing are personal. If we aren’t allowed to grieve the way we want, the way that feels right to us, the way that is best for us, I don’t think that healing would ever begin. Who is to say that one way of healing is healthy and that another is not? Healing looks different for everyone. For me, healing means that I am able to share openly and honestly what I am feeling, without judgement. Now, does this actually happen? For the most part, no... But there are people in my life who I feel acknowledge and support my feelings. At some points in time healing has been easier and at others, it has been more difficult. I’m not quite sure what makes it this way, except that some things can be huge triggers and cause changes in my grief and healing. I have learned that these triggers are different for everyone. Do I choose to be unhappy or depressed? No. Do I choose to be in pain? No. Would I like to be able to process my emotions in healthier ways, be happier, and more positive? Yes! However, it has taken much time for me to even begin to see what this looks like and how to do it. #captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2018 #captureyourgriefNYC #whathealsyou #babyloss #infantloss #childloss #stillbirth #miscarriage #grief #october15thwaveoflight #october15th #Pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #1in4 #stillamother #invisiblemother #healing #strength #thereisnotimelimitongrief

#goodmorning #positivethinking #postiveafformations

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I have been struggling a lot lately, but I am determined to change things and this means doing things differently than I have in the past. I’m starting trauma therapy on Friday and am optimistic. I also am going to be posting a lot more on my Facebook page Facebook.com/PearlandTopaz. I spent a couple hours making these pink and blue ribbons. It was actually a lot more difficult to glue ribbons together than I thought bu...t I did this to offer them to my friends and family who would like to spread awareness. All you have to do is use a safety pin and pin one to whatever you’re wearing and when someone asks you what the ribbon means, please tell them! I can either mail one to you or meet up with you in you’re local. You don’t have to be a loss mother, I’m just trying to spread more awareness I only have 16 to giveaway right now. I’m also asking that you like and follow me on Instagram (PearlandTopaz) and Facebook please. I make custom loss mother jewelry and will be updating my page soon. And I’d also love for you to read my posts!! #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #stillbirth #stillbirthawareness #miscarriage #stillamother #pinkandblueribbon #1in4 #strength #healing #angelbaby #breakthesilence #showyoursupport

I’ve been suffering from physical illness and trauma for the past couple years. Everyone looks at me and tells me how great I look, but inside I am hurting. My body is in pain daily. I have constant headaches and migraines. Sometimes I can’t sleep for days due to insomnia and pain. I was just hospitalized for a week for an infection. Just because someone may look ok, it doesn’t mean that they are. There are lots of hidden and invisible illnesses. It takes me so much time and ...effort to look like this. Of course I don’t and can’t do it everyday, but when I think I look good, I feel better on the inside also. I go to several doctors every week and we are still trying to get to the bottom of what is going on. #trauma #healing #invisibleillness #hiddenillness #invisibleillnessawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #stillbirth #fibromyalgia #nofilter #noedit @ Brooklyn, New York

This is what a first day of school picture looks like for a loss mom. I have seen all of your back to school pictures and every one breaks my heart. Celia would be 2 and I’ve tortured myself to the point that I’ve researched schools she could be going to. In NYC they have early education programs for 2, 3, 4yrs olds instead of putting them into a traditional daycare. So I would have been taking her picture this year, but instead I will miss out on an entire lifetime of first day of school pictures...

This post is more about grief than food... September was the month I got pregnant with Celia. I’ve already been having a difficult time the past couple months. I haven’t wanted to cook (usually just heat up frozen meals or make sandwiches), I’ve been dealing with tremendous physical and mental illnesses. I got out of the hospital last week after being in isolation for 10 days due to a serious infection. Celia was stillborn at 38 weeks June 2016. Grief doesn’t just go away. I...’ve been learning that it is affecting every aspect of my life. Even my memory. I have to make notes about everything and sometimes when I think about writing a note, I forget what I wanted to write before I can even open the app. Or even forget what app I was looking for! I’m 37 and I feel broken, dirty, damaged. I understand that the trauma that happened to me does not define who I am, but I cannot shake this from my mind. Today I was proud of myself because I actually made French Toast from scratch and deep cleaned my bathroom. To you, those may seem like small things, but to me they are huge! The most important thing I would like people to know is that just because someone looks ok on the outside, it doesn’t mean that they are ok on the inside... #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #grief #healing #trauma #ptsd #fibromyalgia #traumadoesnotdefineyou #outsidedoesnotequalinside #stillbirth #stillamother #stillmother #pushingthroughthepain #frenchtoast #cookingishealing #isolation #recovery

I woke up from a nap after dinner and this was written on my hospital board. Think it may have been from my nurse who’s shift probably ended while I was sleeping. We had been talking for a bit #lovealways #hospital #cdiff #nursesareawesome