Dr Barbara Fontana, Psychologist: Couples/Marriage Counseling

Jan. 26, 2021: Connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. Make taking care of your relationship a continuing priority for 2021. May each of you experience a deeper and more satisfying loving connection in the new year.

Jan. 19, 2021: Make an effort this week to talk about something other than work, the kids, or what needs to be done around the house. Try talking about your hopes, dreams, feelings, and goals this week. This will help you to feel connected to one another.

Jan. 12, 2021: One researcher, Dr Terri Orbuch, author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great," found that small irritations become big issues if couples don't talk about them. My advice is to talk about little things that bother you IF they happen over and over (dirty clothes are often on the floor); for the other little things that happen only rarely, try to let them go.

Jan. 5, 2021: David Code, author of "To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First," says that when life gets stressful and we are feeling anxious, we instinctively scapegoat/blame our spouses for our suffering. Find better ways to manage your anxiety or stress: exercise, meditate, do yoga, write in a journal, etc. rather than blame your spouse for what's bothering you.

Dec. 29, 2020: How often do you hug, kiss, hold hands, touch each other or make love? These behaviors help us to feel loved and cherished by our partner. It's not how much money we make or how many nice things we own that make us feel whole and fully alive; it's feeling loved. Try to do more this week to show your partner that you love him/her.

Oct. 13, 2020: Love and respect are the keystones of a good relationship. All your words and behaviors should reflect both love and respect for your partner. Even complaints can be expressed with love.

Oct. 6, 2020: It is so important to reduce the negativity in your interactions with your partner/spouse. When you attack, blame or criticize your partner, he/she will usually attack back, withdraw or stonewall (not talk.) None of this helps your relationship/connection. Make a conscious effort to stop ALL criticizing, blaming and/or attacking.

Sept. 29, 2020: In my practice, I often reassure couples that good relationships do take work. I think these words from Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil sum it up very well: "Intimacy doesn't just happen and it doesn't come naturally.' It takes time and skill to create a truly close connection. Intimacy means sharing, trusting, confiding in each other, and bonding " without fusing." If you both keep working on your relationship, it will get better and better.

Sept. 23, 2020: Even when your relationship has problems, it helps to make time to have fun together. Do something child-like and laugh together: have a pillow fight, make angels in the snow, go to a water park or amusement park; have fun! You will both feel better.

Sept. 15, 2020: You can also increase the positive interactions by showing concern (be supportive when your partner is worried or distressed); being empathic (show you understand how your partner feels); being accepting of your partner's point of view, and by sharing your joy (let your partner know when you're feeling happy or delighted).

Sept. 8, 2020: Dr. John Gottman's research on marriage has shown that happy marriages have five times more positive interactions than negative ones. Try to increase the number of positive interactions in your marriage or relationship this week. Show interest in what the other person is saying; be more affectionate; show you care by small acts of thoughtfulness.

Sept. 1, 2020: Ponder this from Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil: "Both men and women want to be loved, connected and understood; we just go about it differently." Generally, women tend to pursue an emotional connection not wanting to feel abandoned; men tend to move away from an emotional connection for fear of being smothered even though they want to feel connected.

August 25, 2020: I hope this quote from Sophocles will remind you of the importance of love in your lives: "One word frees us from the weight of pain of life; that word is love."

August 18, 2020: Working on your relationship often requires much effort. Thinking about this quote from Hermann Hesse may help motivate you: "You know quite well deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a simple power, a single salvation and that is called loving."

August 11, 2020: Many people use relationship exits to "leave the relationship." Dr. Harville Hendrix, founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, defines an exit as "any activity, thought, or feeling that decreases or avoids emotional or physical contact with your partner (i.e. intimacy)." Exits slowly but surely kill a relationship. Some examples are: being absorbed in a book, disappearing into the garage, falling asleep on the couch, playing with the kids, too many evenings working late, being wedded to your phone, watching television, four scotches a night, refusing to talk, shopping, refusing to make love, avoiding eye contact. Work on slowly closing your exits to increase the intimacy between you and your partner/spouse.

August 4, 2020: Follow the Platinum Rule: treat your partner/spouse as they would like to be treated instead of treating them the way you would like to be treated. We often give our partner what we think they want or treat them the way we would like to be treated rather than paying attention to what they say they want or how they want to be treated.

July 28, 2020: All beings want to be loved and accepted. This is something you can give to your partner. Love completely, unselfishly, and unconditionally.

July 21, 2020: Look for ways to express your interest, support and enthusiasm. This will also strengthen your connection with each other.